Worst Habit

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'Are all habits bad or are some benign or even good?' I asked.

'I suppose they must be a mixture of all three,' was the reply.

'And are we looking at my habits from my point of view or that of others?'

'Well I think the subject was, my worst habit. Therefore it would be from your point of view.'

'Good. Because what I consider a good habit might be abhorrent to others, you see.'

'Yes, I do, but since we've already agreed that it's from your point of view, can we get on with it?'

'OK. In that case, my habits must be good or at the worst benign.'

'Oh yeah. What about having a big head?'

'I haven't got a big head. I only take size 6 7/8 in a cap.'

It's not your cap size I'm on about, it's the way you walk, with a swagger, like you owned the world.'

'That's not a swagger, it's me gammy knees.'

'Oh yeah. I believe you, thousands wouldn't.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Nowt. It's just something me mother used to say.'

'In that case can we have less of what your mother used to say and get on with the exercise?'

'Alright, alright. Keep your hair on.'

'My hair is firmly in place, thank you.'

'Aye, except for the baldy bit at the back.'

'Watch it or you will be exterminated.'

'That's another habit of yours - threatening people if you can't keep up your end of the argument.'

'I'm not threatening. I'm stating a fact.'

'On aye. I'm trembling in my boots.'

'Listen squirt, pack the gob and let's get back to what we were discussing.'

'OK. What about your habit of butting in when someone else is talking?'

'That's only because if I don't speak out as soon as a thought comes into my mind, I end up forgetting what it was I wanted to say.'

'What about belching?'

'I try never to do that in public.'

'How about letting one off and looking at someone else?'

'I don't do that.'

'Picking your nose?'

'Only when no one is looking, and it doesn't count if no one sees it.'

'Smoking?'

'I've cut down, I only smoke five a day now.'

'Five too many if you ask me.'

'I'm not asking.'

'Overeating?'

'Now you've got me there. I love food and I do overeat. That must be my worst habit.'

'No, you've got a worse habit than that. One that could get you locked up.'

'What's that then?'

'Standing here, like this, in the middle of the street, arguing with yourself.'

F Watson.

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