Aye Cleopatra

‘Have you seen that, ower there, Tony?’

‘What?’

‘That greet big tower.’

‘Divn’t show your ignorance man, Geordie, it’s the Pharos Lighthouse, one of the Seven Wonders of the World.’

'Wey man, I can see it’s a wonder, but a light house, never, it looks awful heavy to me.’

‘Not that kind of light, man, the kind that shines.’

‘You’ve lost is there, Tony.’

‘Wey, if you wait a minute I’ll tell you all about it. See them big windows up the top.’

‘Aye.’

‘Well, inside there’s a big bronze plate.’

‘Aye.’

‘And on the floor below the slaves build a big fire…’

‘Oh I see, that’s where they fry the chips, then they serve them on the bronze plate.’

‘No, thicko, they reflect the light from the fire out to sea.’

‘What do they do that for?’

‘So that ships crossing the sea in the dark can find the entrance to the port.’

‘Ya pulling me leg, man, neebody crosses the sea in the dark. It’s full of sea monsters.’

‘Well now, that’s where you’re wrong, Geordie lad, the Phoenicians and the Greeks have been doing it for years.’

‘Wey, I’ll be buggered, you know some amazing things.’

And he did, but then I should have known that. My mate Tony was an educated man, a General no less, in one of the greatest armies in the world.

I can see you’re dying to know how a northern lad like me, came to be mates with a Roman General, so pin back your lugs and I’ll tell you all about it.

One Sunday, up in Northumbria; we were having a kick about with a pig’s bladder, when we heard there was going to be a ruck down south. Caswallon and Lunden mob were going up against Julius Caesar and his Roman mafia. Well there is nowt us northern lads like better than a battle, so we grabbed our gear and set off there and then. It took us two weeks to get there, but we were in time and managed to join in a canny few of the battles. Unfortunately, Caswallon eventually signed a peace treaty and gave us to Caesar as hostages. Well he wasn’t going to give him his own men, was he?

Next thing I know, I’m in this Galley. No, I am not cooking the food. I’m chained to an oar and I have to row all the way to Gaul. That’s where I met Tony, no, not in Gaul, on the Galley. I was rowing away, concentrating on building me blisters, when I saw this Roman coming towards me, you know the type, helmet with a plume, gleaming bronze breastplate, a mini skirt and boots with lace up leggings. All fur coat and no knickers as me granny used to say.

Anyway as he reaches me, he does a double take, so do I, he is built like a cart horse, has a thick neck and a broken nose. In fact he looked so much like me, he might have been my long lost brother. Like I say, he gives me this queer look then carries on and I go back to me rowing.

Well, He must have had a think about it, because ten minutes later, they release me and take me to his cabin, where he begins gabbling away in Roman. I tried to tell him I didn’t know what he was on about, but he didn’t know what I was saying either. In the end he sends for this Gaul, who knows a bit of both languages and he explains that this Roman, Mark Antony wants me to learn him talk proper British, like. I’ve been with him ever since and we’ve become great mates, battling all over the world.

Then a few weeks ago we landed up in a place called Tarus and Tony goes off to do some politicking. Since I am not invited, I go out with the lads for a pint or three and in the morning there’s no sign of him. He is gone for three days and when he comes back, he is besotted by this lass he had shacked up with at the royal palace; but she has gone back home.

So here we are in the port of Alexandria, going to see the love of his life – and him a married man – who turns out to be the queen of all Egypt, Cleopatra. Talk about second-hand rose; she only used to be Caesar’s bit on the side, had his kid and all. I do not know what Tony sees in her, apart from the fact that she is rich and he needs a sub, so he can start another war.

Half an hour later we land and he takes me to meet the queen, when we reach the palace we are ushered into in the audience chamber and she is standing there, surrounded by all her courtiers. She’s got this skimpy dress on made out of see-through material and it does not leave much to the imagination, great body, canny tan and bonny eyes, but I cannot see the rest of her face for the veil.

Anyway, we march down the hall, do a bit of kowtowing and end up within spitting distance of the queen. Tony smiles; all teeth and smouldering eyes, the queen removes her veil and smiles back all coy like. Well if you had hit me brick, I would not have been as shocked. She was the ugliest woman I had ever seen; if my face looked like the back of a bus; hers looked like the bus that ran into mine. Her nose hooked down and her chin hooked up, they were so close together that she could have picked up a chip, with her hands tied behind her back.